作词 : Stephen Sondheim
作曲 : Stephen Sondheim
WAITER I am so sorry, Madam,
We have no decaf latte mocchaniños
With soy milk
Today.
CLAUDIA Fine. Skip the soy.
WAITER What can I say?
CLAUDIA I said fine. Regular is f—
WAITER That's not the problem, Madam.
The problem isn't just the soy,
You see,
It's more than just the soy.
CLAUDIA Yeah, so — ?
WAITER I couldn't be more sorry, madam,
But sad to say, the fact is
That not only do we have no soy —
PAUL Oh, boy.
CLAUDIA Don't tell me that you have no mocha —
WAITER We have no mocha.
CLAUDIA Then just a decaf latte, I don't —
WAITER We're also out of latte.
CLAUDIA What?!
WAITER We do expect a little latte later,
But we haven't got a lotta latte now.
RAFFAEL You can't be out of latte — that would mean you're out of milk!
WAITER Sir, not only are we out of milk,
We're out of cream,
We're out of half-and-half.
CLAUDIA The caffe latte without the lat — !
WAITER We're also out of caf.
CLAUDIA Not even "de" — ?
WAITER Is that a laugh?
CLAUDIA All right then, tea. Twining's Earl Grey. Bag on the side.
WAITER Ah... Yes... Well...
CLAUDIA Don't tell me —
WAITER I am so sorry, Madam,
I do apologize,
It's unforgivable,
I'm so embarrassed,
But not only are we out of Earl Grey,
We're out of Earl Green,
We're out of Earl Red and Blue
And everything in between.
CLAUDIA Okay then, Lipton's, I don't care, whatever —
WAITER I apologize profusely, Madam,
But we're shit out of tea
Today.
CLAUDIA You've got to be kidding.
WAITER Je suis désolé.
CLAUDIA Fine. Diet Coke with lem —
WAITER Madam, if I may —
I forgot to say,
By the way,
We have no Coke,
We have no Sprite,
We have no Mountain Dew,
No Fresca Lite.
And I should add, although I do regret it:
If you're thinking beer or wine, forget it.
LEO Let's just order. Gimme the abalone omelette, runny, extra saffron.
WAITER Excellent choice.
MARIANNE I've changed my mind about manna.
I crave huevoth rancheroth.
WAITER A thuperb thelection.
CLAUDIA I'll do the blood pudding. Make it vampiric.
WAITER Nice.
RAFFAEL I will have the curried goat hash.
WAITER Splendid.
PAUL Do I want the Malay duck?
WAITER It is an unparalleled experience.
PAUL Done.
FRITZ I'm gonna go basic. A cheeseburger, medium. That's California medium, only pink around the edges.
LEO Just bring the shit, will you? We're starving!
WAITER Ah... Yes... well, perhaps I should have mentioned...
LEO What.
WAITER I am so sorry, sir, but
We're out of abalone omelettes,
Although I have to say they are delicious
And I'm sure you'd like them if we had them
But we don't.
LEO Oh, for Christ's sake! Then make it two hashes, only make my goat medium —
WAITER Nor have we any hash,
Never mind the curried goat.
And wait, I made a note:
Oh yes, the huevos —
Nada, sorry.
Right, who had the duck?
You're out of luck.
PAUL ****.
WAITER As for the —
Ugh! Blood pudding —
Well, I wouldn't recommend it anyway.
MARIANNE , PAUL , LEO , CLAUDIA , FRITZ , RAFFAEL (Simultaneously)This is ridiculous! — Well, what do you have? — Why is it on the menu? — It's false advertising! — Will you all stop complaining? — I cannot eat in this condition!
WAITER On behalf of the entire management and staff
And international consortium
That owns and operates Café Everything,
I can't apologize enough,
I just may go and kill myself.
That's what I'll do, I'll kill myself.
I'd rather kill myself
Than have to tell you
We're completely out of food!
CLAUDIA How rude.
RAFFAEL No — ?
WAITER Of any kind.
MARIANNE Well, never mind.
WAITER I should have given you some warning,
But it's been a very busy morning.
CLAUDIA Then why the hell did you take our orders?
WAITER Madam, that's my job. I'll go check on that water.
PAUL I thought he wanted to kill himself.
LEO Café Nada, they oughta call it.
CLAUDIA Hey! Could you make that sparkling?
A gunshot is heard.
MARIANNE What in the world was that?
FRITZ That was a gunshot.
CLAUDIA Because I asked for sparkling? Why don't we go to Bistro a la Mode? It's French Deconstructivist cuisine.
LEO Well — back to square one.
Everybody into the car!
[00:00.000] 作词 : Stephen Sondheim
[00:00.165] 作曲 : Stephen Sondheim
[00:00.330]WAITER I am so sorry, Madam,
[00:02.902]We have no decaf latte mocchaniños
[00:05.686]With soy milk
[00:06.894]Today.
[00:08.133]CLAUDIA Fine. Skip the soy.
[00:09.119]WAITER What can I say?
[00:09.890]CLAUDIA I said fine. Regular is f—
[00:11.429]WAITER That's not the problem, Madam.
[00:14.171]The problem isn't just the soy,
[00:15.823]You see,
[00:16.847]It's more than just the soy.
[00:18.644]CLAUDIA Yeah, so — ?
[00:19.608]WAITER I couldn't be more sorry, madam,
[00:22.755]But sad to say, the fact is
[00:24.174]That not only do we have no soy —
[00:26.493]PAUL Oh, boy.
[00:27.312]CLAUDIA Don't tell me that you have no mocha —
[00:28.224]WAITER We have no mocha.
[00:29.296]CLAUDIA Then just a decaf latte, I don't —
[00:30.388]WAITER We're also out of latte.
[00:31.427]CLAUDIA What?!
[00:32.232]WAITER We do expect a little latte later,
[00:34.694]But we haven't got a lotta latte now.
[00:38.259]RAFFAEL You can't be out of latte — that would mean you're out of milk!
[00:40.789]WAITER Sir, not only are we out of milk,
[00:43.457]We're out of cream,
[00:44.478]We're out of half-and-half.
[00:46.204]CLAUDIA The caffe latte without the lat — !
[00:47.120]WAITER We're also out of caf.
[00:48.704]CLAUDIA Not even "de" — ?
[00:49.754]WAITER Is that a laugh?
[00:51.430]CLAUDIA All right then, tea. Twining's Earl Grey. Bag on the side.
[00:56.827]WAITER Ah... Yes... Well...
[01:01.332]CLAUDIA Don't tell me —
[01:01.976]WAITER I am so sorry, Madam,
[01:04.519]I do apologize,
[01:05.493]It's unforgivable,
[01:06.618]I'm so embarrassed,
[01:08.296]But not only are we out of Earl Grey,
[01:11.739]We're out of Earl Green,
[01:13.128]We're out of Earl Red and Blue
[01:15.173]And everything in between.
[01:16.514]CLAUDIA Okay then, Lipton's, I don't care, whatever —
[01:19.023]WAITER I apologize profusely, Madam,
[01:21.988]But we're shit out of tea
[01:23.803]Today.
[01:25.382]CLAUDIA You've got to be kidding.
[01:26.660]WAITER Je suis désolé.
[01:28.185]CLAUDIA Fine. Diet Coke with lem —
[01:29.406]WAITER Madam, if I may —
[01:30.528]I forgot to say,
[01:31.448]By the way,
[01:32.614]We have no Coke,
[01:34.078]We have no Sprite,
[01:35.038]We have no Mountain Dew,
[01:36.625]No Fresca Lite.
[01:37.848]And I should add, although I do regret it:
[01:40.256]If you're thinking beer or wine, forget it.
[01:43.372]LEO Let's just order. Gimme the abalone omelette, runny, extra saffron.
[01:48.319]WAITER Excellent choice.
[01:49.297]MARIANNE I've changed my mind about manna.
[01:51.651]I crave huevoth rancheroth.
[01:54.048]WAITER A thuperb thelection.
[01:56.017]CLAUDIA I'll do the blood pudding. Make it vampiric.
[01:58.517]WAITER Nice.
[02:00.287]RAFFAEL I will have the curried goat hash.
[02:04.678]WAITER Splendid.
[02:06.186]PAUL Do I want the Malay duck?
[02:08.577]WAITER It is an unparalleled experience.
[02:10.374]PAUL Done.
[02:11.450]FRITZ I'm gonna go basic. A cheeseburger, medium. That's California medium, only pink around the edges.
[02:16.812]LEO Just bring the shit, will you? We're starving!
[02:19.350]WAITER Ah... Yes... well, perhaps I should have mentioned...
[02:24.873]LEO What.
[02:26.481]WAITER I am so sorry, sir, but
[02:29.459]We're out of abalone omelettes,
[02:31.948]Although I have to say they are delicious
[02:34.088]And I'm sure you'd like them if we had them
[02:36.186]But we don't.
[02:37.072]LEO Oh, for Christ's sake! Then make it two hashes, only make my goat medium —
[02:40.554]WAITER Nor have we any hash,
[02:41.831]Never mind the curried goat.
[02:43.488]And wait, I made a note:
[02:44.980]Oh yes, the huevos —
[02:47.428]Nada, sorry.
[02:49.679]Right, who had the duck?
[02:52.418]You're out of luck.
[02:53.832]PAUL ****.
[02:54.659]WAITER As for the —
[02:55.450]Ugh! Blood pudding —
[02:59.384]Well, I wouldn't recommend it anyway.
[03:02.549]MARIANNE , PAUL , LEO , CLAUDIA , FRITZ , RAFFAEL (Simultaneously)This is ridiculous! — Well, what do you have? — Why is it on the menu? — It's false advertising! — Will you all stop complaining? — I cannot eat in this condition!
[03:13.777]WAITER On behalf of the entire management and staff
[03:17.258]And international consortium
[03:18.471]That owns and operates Café Everything,
[03:21.539]I can't apologize enough,
[03:25.924]I just may go and kill myself.
[03:28.872]That's what I'll do, I'll kill myself.
[03:31.202]I'd rather kill myself
[03:32.986]Than have to tell you
[03:34.643]We're completely out of food!
[03:37.203]CLAUDIA How rude.
[03:37.558]RAFFAEL No — ?
[03:38.034]WAITER Of any kind.
[03:38.892]MARIANNE Well, never mind.
[03:41.866]WAITER I should have given you some warning,
[03:46.466]But it's been a very busy morning.
[03:51.261]CLAUDIA Then why the hell did you take our orders?
[03:53.645]WAITER Madam, that's my job. I'll go check on that water.
[03:59.833]PAUL I thought he wanted to kill himself.
[04:01.565]LEO Café Nada, they oughta call it.
[04:03.632]CLAUDIA Hey! Could you make that sparkling?
[04:05.990]A gunshot is heard.
[04:07.535]MARIANNE What in the world was that?
[04:09.510]FRITZ That was a gunshot.
[04:11.000]CLAUDIA Because I asked for sparkling? Why don't we go to Bistro a la Mode? It's French Deconstructivist cuisine.
[04:17.222]LEO Well — back to square one.
[04:19.114]Everybody into the car!